Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Oh, Crap.

I feel like poop. I feel small and insignificant, and that I failed in one of my main desires in life.

I went to my "team leader" today to tell him I am applying for jobs elsewhere. It was a commission only "job" and I had never made a dime in the month I had been commuting to the office (1 1/2 hours one way WITH tolls btw). Sales, apparently, is not my thing. But when I went to tell my manager this, he got angry. He acted like I lied to them and fooled them. Maybe (and this is the part that has me feeling like crap), maybe I did a little. When I interviewed I looked at it as being brave. As being willing to try a new career, and growing. But I didn't. I stayed just as I am. So that whole big plan didn't work.

So I have decided to honor the type of person I really am. An employee. A person who feels like I must provide financial stability. I am the educated one, I must work the "good job" to make the stable income.

I'm actually good at this role. I can DO this. No problem.

Hence, the freaking out when I had NO PAYCHECK for the month I did the insurance thing. I got shot down and hung up on, and I thought "Holy crap!!! What if I can't support us doing this?"

So, I prayed. A lot. To ask God to work through me and tell me what he wanted me to do.

Maybe I had to hear that I was a quitter. I am, in some respects.
Maybe I had to hear that I lied. I did, in some respects. Out of terror that no other job offer would come along. So I steeled myself, and hoped I could do what was required of me to be a sales person. I just didn't want to. Bottom line.

And I hate those things. I try so hard to be HONEST. To be a GOOD, HONORABLE PERSON all the time.

Maybe I don't need to be so hard on myself that I failed. I just read the above line.

Although it's a good goal to be an honest, good, honorable person ALL THE TIME, I see in reading it that it is impossible.

So I screwed up and tried to be something I'm not (a self-employed sales person) out of fear of being NOTHING.

Maybe I can forgive myself.

And I will note that I am pathetic in this manner. I really do feel guilty that I took up their time in training me (in a group session!!), and that they feel like I lied about my intentions. My intentions were to work there, but I can't BE that unstable. It isn't in me, and now I know it. For sure. So the next time I complain about a job, I have to remember that I CHOSE that.

A few years ago I conscioulsly lied to a grocery clerk saying my bonus card fell off my keychain, so I did have one, but not with me. She caught me and said they didn't have key chain bonus cards. I felt so bad I went home and confessed to my husband that I had lied to the grocery clerk.

I drive him crazy, I think.

God, why am I such a mess? A bundle of contradicting feelings.
Laziness, apathy, boredom, wanting to do something that I probably can't make money at (professional genealogist). Wanting to write a book, but not doing it.

What is wrong with me????

Why can't I DO things?

I pray for God to come into my heart and move it to have me DO something He wants me to do. And hope I like it.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Madam Speaker

You know, I actually got teary eyed tonight when President Bush said "Madam Speaker" for the first time at the State of the Union address. It really is historic, but is it really so different? Don't men know how we work? Is a woman in charge really THAT big of a deal?

I guess I'm so far away from the sufferage movement now a days that I think women in power is normal. I've had plenty of female bosses, and I am more the financial leader in my marriage.

So why the tear?

I definitely saw history being made. And it's good we have PROOF, I guess, that we've made it.

I'm still not too sure about voting for Hilary Clinton for president.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I Dream of Julie

My sister has the weirdest dreams. Very detailed and she remembers them all. I only have vague recollections of deams when I wake up.

I'll set up one of my favorites.
My Mom is a proper, church going lady.
My sister is a CPA.

Okay. My sister starts this dream by walking into a hospital. She walks up and down corridors until she comes to a bunch of nurses. They are all crying. She asks what's wrong, but they won't speak to her, they only shake their heads.

She walks past them, but starts to get worried. She can't talk to anyone and everyone she meets is crying. No one will tell her what's wrong.

She wanders the halls until she sees a cot in the hallway ahead. As she gets closer she sees someone is lying on the cot.

Our mom is on the cot. She has the blankets pulled right up to her chin.

My sister is worried and says "Mom, what's the matter?"

Mom says "Well...

I have Saturday Night Fever!"

I'm glad I wrote that. I can never tell this one without cracking up!


Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Deathly Hallows and other things

Am eagerly awaiting the release of "The Deathly Hallows".

If you haven't read the Harry Potter series, I understand. When it came up in a book club as the next book to read, I rolled my eyes. I was NOT thrilled about reading a "kids book". I complained a little to myself. But I read it. And loved it.

It's kind of like Friends. When it came out, I refused to watch it. I figured it couldn't be THAT good. But, late in the series, I happened to see it one night and loved it. Of course, now it's REALLY old news, but as we were waiting for the next episode to come out, it was good stuff. But anyway, the point is, I sometimes wait to see things pass before I jump on the wagon.

Unfortunately, with other things, I heedlessly fling myself into the fray.

Like chiropractic school.




I went to chiropractic school.
I regret it.
Not because I hate chiropractic. I love it.
It just isn't what I'm supposed to do.
I know this because I get a sick, dread feeling in my gut when people want me to adjust them. Which is NOT a good sign for a prosperous career.

I didn't know this about myself when I was 24, of course, and choosing what to do after undergrad. I didn't know sooo much of myself, yet made very expensive and life altering decisions. I kind of think we all do.

How many of us regret what we did careerwise in our 20's, thinking we were doing what was right?

I had to go through a whole process. Denial. Anger. And now I am in a depression. I admit it isn't what I want to do, but now what???

You know, $150,000.00 in student loans is a little MUCH.
People asking me "and why don't you adjust?" EVERY DAY at work.
Hating myself for sucking sooo much.

And it turns out, I don't have great hand-eye coordination. You'd think I would have thought of that before I went, but no.

Heedless, I tell you.

Or the standing and bending all day. That part sucks.

Or the fact that people come in with a hurt elbow or something, and actually expect you to tell Them HOW IT HAPPENED.

They ask things like "Why does my elbow hurt?"

Like we are Midas or something, and can hook them up to a computer that gives a 2 week play-by-play of what they've done, a diagnostic, a history, and prognosis.

Headlong, I say!

Now, people can call me Doctor. That part is cool.
But was it worth $150,000.00???


Like I said, if I could give my student loan back, I would!

SOOOO, what do I want to do with myself? That is where I am in my process. I'm now admiting I don't want to be a doctor (much to some of my family's chagrin. I've heard guests come in the house and ask "Which one is the doctor?" Ugh.)

If I could be a paid genealogist, I would. In a heart beat. (I'd do it for free! Shhh.)

I fantisize about being a famous author. Wouldn't that be fun? I think so. If only I could develop a story! All I've ever done is write the 2 sentances the story is about and stare at it. Hummpphh. Very unsatisfying.

I'd also really love to work in publishing. I love books so much, it would be a natural career for me. This is something I would do if I won the lottery (besides a 2 month vacation in the UK). I would start or work in a publishing house. And probably love every minute of it.

-Boy, this isn't turning out to be very funny.
I really am capable of writing humerous things that are enjoyable to read, but it's not where I am going today.

I guess blogging is real life, in a way.

Oh, but the title is true.

I picked this name for this blog because this is what my mom used to tell me. That I, and no other, had the sweetest knees in all of Keene.

I no longer live in Keene, but I may still hold the record. I don't know.

I started blogging because my friend Minnie invited me to look at her posts from MinnieMoments. It was funny! From there, I read Holy Mama, which was also very funny. So I thought, what a cool outlet! I'll try it.

So here we go. Onward.

I like funny, and I have a lot of great stories, but I don't know what will come out as I write. We'll see.

This is good for now.



Welcome! Comment if you like. Give me ideas for historical fiction or other great books. Commiserate. Laugh (at me or with me.) Whatever. I'm letting go of some of my "stuff", and am in some sort of transition. Writing seems to do different things than just plain old thinking.